The Consistent Coach Podcast

Pre-TCC: Acceptance vs. Resignation

July 11, 2020 Stacie Mitchell Episode 5
The Consistent Coach Podcast
Pre-TCC: Acceptance vs. Resignation
Chapters
The Consistent Coach Podcast
Pre-TCC: Acceptance vs. Resignation
Jul 11, 2020 Episode 5
Stacie Mitchell

In this episode, Stacie covers the differences between acceptance and resignation, and why acceptance is the only way to true contentment and happiness, as well as the quickest way out of your burnout.

Click here to join Stacie's Burned Out, Much? Facebook group.

Interested in applying for Stacie's group coaching program? Learn more here! 

Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, Stacie covers the differences between acceptance and resignation, and why acceptance is the only way to true contentment and happiness, as well as the quickest way out of your burnout.

Click here to join Stacie's Burned Out, Much? Facebook group.

Interested in applying for Stacie's group coaching program? Learn more here! 

Hello my beautiful listeners! It’s July as I’m recording this and it’s hot and humid here in North Carolina, but we’re making the best of it! I won’t lie, things have been a little crazy the last couple of weeks, but I’m staying positive and trucking along! 

I have 7 amazing women signed up for my group coaching program spark+soul, which means there are very limited spots left if you want in. I can’t even tell you how amazing it’s going to be and how excited I am! I just can’t get over it! If you want to know more, you can head over to staciemitchell.com/spark and read all about it. 

And I’m really excited about today’s episode which just came to me last week. Sometimes it feels like my ideas just come to me out of nowhere and those are always the best ones! 

Today we’re going to talk about acceptance vs. resignation. Most of my clients suffer way more than they need to because they can’t accept present reality. They want things to be different SO BADLY that it completely exhausts them. 

It actually reminds me of a family member getting really mad about the saying, “It is what it is!” which to me  is actually the perfect example of acceptance when you think about it. Now, it was her THOUGHTS about what that saying means that made her so mad, so that’s something to think about, but also “It is what it is” is really just saying - yes, those are the facts of this situation. To me it doesn’t mean, “it is what it is” therefore I give up and do nothing about it. Do you see the difference?

There’s a Byron Katie quote I love:

"When you argue with reality, you lose— but only 100% of the time

What I’ve found is that so many of my clients think they have to argue with reality to make it different or better. How can they get a better job or build a business or make their spouse do what they want or get their kids to mind them  -- and when they’re coached on it they wonder how they can accept it without being miserable about what isn’t meeting their expectations. If they stop hating their job won’t they lose all motivation for leaving it? If they accept their partner as they are, won’t they just continue on with their super annoying behavior and nothing will ever change?

I love studying Buddhism and the Tao, and really all religions, because while they are very different, they allow me to consider how I’m fighting what is -- how I’m struggling because I can’t accept what’s true in that moment. 

Buddhism  and the Tao teach us to see how we cause our own suffering. With Buddhism we cause it with our endless wanting of more and our desire, with the Tao we cause it by living out of harmony with our true nature. Both remind me that the real joy is in accepting what is - right now - and not wishing it away or wishing it weren’t true or wishing that something would happen faster.

I’ve found that when we focus on what’s wrong, we amplify what’s wrong. When we focus on what’s right, we amplify what’s right. 

There can be no other way.

In the beginning of my own journey out of burnout, when I was crying after work way too often, I’d almost be angry about being stuck in my job. Which is actually hilarious now looking back, because I could have left. It’s not like anyone was holding me hostage.

I would focus on everything that annoyed me. The endless meetings, the numerous interruptions, how it wasn’t the work I wanted to be doing. 

And then I started to realize that I was causing my own suffering. I was piling suffering on top of suffering. Sure, it wasn’t work that lit my soul on fire. It still isn’t really. But I don’t feel angry or bitter or even unhappy about being in that job still. 

I can see the positives so clearly. I can see how it’s the training ground for my future self. I am the absolute best example of my coaching. I can work full time, run a successful coaching business and not ever burn out. I can be my own testimonial.

When I get annoyed or overwhelmed or frustrated, it’s the perfect opportunity for me to do the work I teach -- for me to walk the walk and learn through practicing on myself. I can understand my clients because I used to be them. And circumstances wise, I might still be them.

I didn’t shortcut the work. I didn’t quit my job to feel better. I didn’t quit my business to feel better. 

And I don’t feel resigned to staying. I have never felt like I’ve given up. I have accepted the job and all that comes with it. I don’t struggle against it anymore. I don’t tell myself that I’m a failure in my business for not quitting my job yet. I don’t tell myself every day that the job is wrong for me or that I’m in the wrong place. I don’t find opportunities to pick at everything that’s wrong at work. Because where does it get me? I accept that I’ve made the right choice for right now.

Maybe your right choice will be to leave your job -- sometimes that’s the best choice. 

But until you make that choice, don’t amplify your suffering. There’s no need to make yourself feel miserable because you’re terrified of being resigned or getting comfortable or *gasp* being happy.

I tell you this: Some of us are terrified of being content with life. Because what happens to us when we have nothing to complain about or gossip about or commiserate over? Some of us don’t know how to function without suffering. You take it away and you lose your purpose in life. I know you’re all thinking about someone right now who seems to take this attitude towards life. Makes me think that old quote“ if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”

But my guess if you’re listening to this podcast is that you don’t want to live that way. You want to enjoy your life and to be at peace with where you are right now.

When it comes down to it, we have no other moments to enjoy. There is no past and there is no future -- those only exist in your mind - there is really only now. And that’s not to say that you shouldn’t have goals to work towards - I definitely do - but it’s the grasping for those goals -- the idea that you can’t be happy now while going after them, that makes us miserable and causes more suffering than necessary.

The number 1 step to healing your burnout and managing your stress is awareness -- awareness of where you’re giving your power away, of how you’re making things harder, of how you’re focusing on the worst parts of your life so that the good parts never have their moments to shine. 

Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. Acceptance means taking the good with the bad, by realizing how much control you have, and by being grateful for the small joys in your life. Resignation means you’ve given up, that you want to keep playing the victim, that you can’t believe there’s something better around the corner, so why bother. They’re not the same.

Acceptance means relaxing instead of forcing. Some day in the future my business will be my main source of income and I will leave my job. I’m not quite there yet, but if I focus every day on how I’m not there and how terrible that is and how it’s not fair and how it’s never going to happen for me, I can guarantee you that I feel awful AND I’ll keep myself from ever making it happen. Plus, I won’t enjoy this moment for what it is. There is joy in the waiting and the building and the believing. What is the point in building a business that makes me miserable?

I want you to think about your life right now -- are you fighting against it? Are you searching for all the reasons it’s not right? Are you looking for reasons to leave your job? Are you searching for your children’s missteps? Are you watching for your spouses’s mistakes? Have you written a set of rules that are making you more miserable than you actually need to be? Unwritten rules for yourself, for your job, for your boss and colleagues, for your family members or even your friends?

Or have you just plain given up. Are you resigned to being stuck forever, to there not being a way out? Do you just know that your dreams are just plain off the table?

What if you've been living all wrong the entire time? 

What if the real secret to life is enjoying what’s right in front of you? What if it’s in following the joy? What if it’s in giving up the rules and the plans to make way for what’s actually possible if you’d stop holding on so tight to what you “think” must happen to be happy?

The research on happiness shows us that what we think will make us happy is actually wrong. There’s a classic research study on lottery winners that showed us that aside from a temporary boost, they weren’t any happier than non lottery winners long term. And on the flip side of that, the study also showed that being paralyzed in an accident didn’t affect happiness in the long term either.

And I think what that really tells us is that happiness is not driven as much by external circumstances as much we think -- it’s driven by our internal processes -- our thoughts and beliefs as well as on our relationships and social connections which is well proven by research.

It’s human nature to think that a new job or a successful business or having the kids out of the house or selling your first book or whatever goal is on the horizon will finally bring us the happiness that we’re missing, but it’s just not true. And we make ourselves miserable with the lives we currently have because we can’t help but think we haven’t made it yet. That something is missing, that we’re not whole. 

Pair that with the constant comparison on social media and the neverending marketing of all kinds of stuff that we are told we need day in and day out and we wonder why we all feel so bad about ourselves and our lives.

The Dalai Lama once said “We need to learn how to want what we have, not to have what we want in order to get steady and stable Happiness.”

So how can you want what you have right now?

And know this too: I have goals and dreams because I want to know what’s possible. I want to show myself what I can create in this world. I want to serve deeply in my purpose and change people’s lives. That keeps me energized and motivated. It becomes fun.

When I switch to feeling like I need to claw my way out of a terrible job -- that is not fun. That is me running away. 

I’m not saying every job out there is a dream. There are certain situations we need to get out of, no doubt! But I think many times we villainize what we no longer want because we think it makes it easier for us to do the work it will take to leave. 

But how amazing is it to enjoy where you’re at while building something better? I can tell you -- it’s like magic.

If you want in on this magic, come join us in my free Facebook group at staciemitchell.com/group. We truly are a magical group and we’d love to have you. 

And if you’re enjoying the podcast, please don’t forget to rate and review the podcast on iTunes! 

Thanks for listening and have a great day! Bye friends!